i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize