just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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