he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
