You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
