last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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