I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
