i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
