No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
