I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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