I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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