At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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