I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
