my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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