What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
