I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
