I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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