I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize
