DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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