I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
