The maid of honor just puked.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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