It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize