My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
