Don't make out with my wife yet
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
