You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
