wakey wakey hands off snakey
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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