I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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