mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
