My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
