i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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