If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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