when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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