There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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