I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
it hurts more in the daytime
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
