...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
