mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
