even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize