i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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