Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
