made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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