dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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