I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
