Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
