Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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