No stitches, just platelets and will power
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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