I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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