i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
