Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We had to coat check the pizza.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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