I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
