Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
