I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
