the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize