you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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