the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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