I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
