A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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