Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
