I accidentally had phone sex last night
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
