I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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