I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I want her autograph on my taint
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
