The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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